Let them eat mold!

People like me are the exact reason I decided not to become an R.D. I did not want to spend my days encouraging, begging, demanding that people follow a certain diet or restrict certain food/drinks, etc., because many people just love their food.


I may have mentioned that I tested positive for mold allergy; I went to the allergist wondering if I had a wheat allergy, because I would literally not be able to stay awake after eating bread. Turns out, mold/yeast/fermented foods are the culprit. At the time, the allergist said, "If you want to keep eating moldy food, I can give you shots ..." and I was like, no that's okay. I can live without the things you have on your list to avoid. 


What I discovered is that there are lots of moldy foods out there that really don't bother people without a sensitivity or allergy. Like grapes ... I never knew that the powdery stuff on grape skin is mold. I never knew that tea is moldy, though I knew it made me sickish to drink it. Fermented/cultured foods include things like soy sauce, vinegar, yogurt, sour dough, buttermilk, etc. Moldy foods include certain cheeses.


So, I went on my merry way, not really having much reaction other than the occasional sick to my stomach feeling or having to fall asleep on the couch after eating something like pizza.


Well, a few weeks ago, I ate some delicious grapes at work, and within five minutes, my tongue felt electric, and my face was hot, and my lips were tingling. I mentioned it to a coworker, and she said that it was an allergic reaction. That's when I remembered my beloved grapes were on the moldy list.


The following day I ate a banana. I've been known to get very sleepy after eating overripe fruit, but this was a perfectly ripe banana. Or so I thought. Within minutes, again, tingling and flush. What the heck?


So, I did some research on food mold allergy. The list I found of foods to avoid is staggering. Ready for this?

Mold allergy:

• Cheese
• Mushrooms
• Foods made with yeast (pizza dough, bread, etc.)
• Sour cream
• Buttermilk
• Beer, wine, liquor
• Potatoes
• Soy Sauce
• Vinegar and foods containing vinegar, such as salad dressing, ketchup, mustard and pickles
• Sauerkraut
• Nuts
• Pickled or smoked meats and fish
• Dried fruits (apricots, figs, raisins)
• Raw vegetables
• Raw fruits, particularly blackberries, blueberries, grapes, strawberries
• Aged meats: Hot dogs, sausages
• Canned fruits
• Canned or bottled juices
• Cider
• Citric acid
• Barley malt
• MSG
• Ginger ale, root beer
• Jams/jellies
• Lactic acid
• Malt
• Black tea
• Malted barley flour
• Olives
• Peanuts and peanut products
• Preserved or pickled foods
• Yeast extract
• Mayonnaise
• Horseradish
• Worcestershire sauce
• Melons, particularly cantaloupes
• Oranges
• Cream cheese
• Ricotta cheese
• Ice cream
• Milk

What the? What's left?

So, I've had this goal of avoiding anything moldly or fermented or whatever so I can test out this tingling tongue thing. But I never do it. It's that old thing of as soon as you can't have it, you want it more.

Actually, I don't want it MORE. I just want what I want when I want it. I don't want to be restricted. I'm not even talking about overeating or emotional eating. Or dieting to lose weight. I just mean every day eating.

I was watching a show on Food Network the other day, and Alex Guarnaschelli was on it talking about a sandwich she loved, and I was actually pissed off at her for being able to eat whatever she wanted.

I've been in pure rebellion mode this week. I've eaten cheese, ketchup, bread, buns, mayonnaise, ice cream, hotdogs, sausage ... you name it. I ate raw apples and bananas, but didn't buy grapes - the reaction I had was just too uncomfortable. And all week long, I've been tingling and flushed. It's annoying. 

I did restart my anxiety med (Cymbalta), which for me acts as an appetite killer. I was simply hoping that it would help me with any hidden general anxiety that leads me to emotionally eat. I must say, it really cut down my eating in general, made me more in tune to being full. I stopped eating after half a sandwich! I left almost an entire serving of fries on my plate! I took three bites of a dessert and left the rest behind! I had a bag of peanut M&Ms in my desk for over a week! Who am I? What I like about it is it just made me feel normal.

This week, I'm dealing with pre-menstrual cravings. Never fails, each month, I have this day where I'm like, "Why the hell do I feel like pouring the entire sugar bowl down my throat?" One look at the calendar reminds me. (And those M&Ms I mentioned earlier? Gone.)

But seriously, I do want to talk to the doctor about these reactions, but I want to walk in and say, I've avoided this or that and this is what happened. If I go in now, won't he just say, "Avoid those foods and see what happens?" I just need to buckle down and make a list of what I CAN eat, and try to stick with it. Because really, it is annoying having my mouth feel electric and my face be red and warm all the time. I fear, since coffee grounds can get moldy, that I'll need to give up my beloved coffee AGAIN!!! Wah!

Wish me luck.

Surgery: results, consequences and reality

Well ... how about that.

What I was absolutely certain was causing my pain and discomfort isn't. 

It's rather strange to hear that nothing is wrong and feel disappointed and confused. But after awhile, I thwapped myself on the forehead and said, "You idiot. You're healthy. No more surgeries. No scary bad news. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Obviously, I'm glad that there's nothing wrong. The disappointment came because I thought I finally had answers with a definitive treatment on the horizon.

The possible new diagnosis is IBS. After reading up about it, the symptoms make sense. And some symptoms were similar to endometriosis, which is what my doc and I thought we were up against. Since my symptoms got so much worse just before and during "that time of the month," I assumed it was all gyn related.

But now I realize - duh - I crave sweets and fattening treats during that time, so possibly my symptoms were worse because I was indulging in (such a nice way of saying "pigging out on") those types of foods.

I still need to read more about IBS ... from what I've read so far, some experts think this, some think that. Is it really what you eat that triggers problems? Or is it a dysfunction of the intestines? Or is it hormonal? One of my coworkers mentioned a link to fibromyalgia, which I have, so is it all a misfiring of nerves in the muscle? It's all very frustrating. And throwing my mold allergy into the mix ... I enjoyed grapes for an afternoon snack today, and spent the rest of my workday completely flushed - an allergic reaction. Did you know that grapes are very moldy? And I'd better have a bed or at the very least a couch nearby if I decide to eat bread. Snoozeville.

So, I spent a couple days whining and complaining to my good friend SETD'A (how do you like those intials?) and my mom ... but now I'm like, "Shut the H-E-double-hockey-sticks up." If the worse thing that happens to me is I get some cramping and diarrhea after eating certain foods or during certain days, or if I have to avoid certain foods because I have MINOR allergic discomfort, then I need to count myself among the truly blessed.

The lazy-ass part of me doesn't want to have to do all the work to figure out what I can eat and what I can't. The immature, compulsive side of me that is addicted to food wants to eat what I want when I want - consequences be damned.

But, obviously, you can't abuse your body and expect it to continue to work at 100%. Whether it's food, drugs, alcohol, over-exercising, overworking ... something's gonna give.

So ... I'm back where I started. Trying to eat right, overcome overeating, make healthy food choices. Listen to my body, and respect what it needs and what it's telling me.

Wow ... a month later

Well, it's been awhile. Can't say it's been all good since I've been away.

I've been dealing with some health issues, lately ... oh, and HOW am I dealing with those health issues and the bits of anxiety that tend to pop up, not only about my health and what may be wrong, but also about the financial aspect of having tests and surgeries and what not?

I'm eating.

Yep, that good ol' reliever of all things stressful. Sweet carbs. Sigh.

It's so stupid. I'm dealing with HEALTH issues, so wouldn't it make sense to treat my body as good as I possibly can by giving it healthy foods in healthy amounts?

Yes, it would. But emotional eating works by emotion, not sense, remember?  I'm getting comfort from the feeling of fullness, by the simple carbs, by the sweet taste. It all allows me to put off thinking about anything truly scary or stressful. BUT, the catch is that eating this way also ends up causing stress because I gain weight, adding to an already overloaded system of worry. An endless loop of insanity.

I'm sure I've gained, though I haven't measured or weighed myself lately. One of the symptoms I'm dealing with is bloating, so my tummy area is bigger anyway, but I'm sure my carb feasts are adding to it.

I remember Oprah saying once a long time ago as she talked about her ongoing battle with food that, never mind wanting to impress other people or get their praise or kudos ... she just wanted to be proud of herself. That's so true. At the end of the day, literally, I want to feel proud of myself for strength and discipline and self-control. Not disappointed and sick to my stomach.

It seems like I almost have to be on my own case all day long ... but then I think, how would a kid feel if all day long, someone was on his/her case? Drained, defeated, worthless, rebellious.

Encouragement. Belief in oneself. Self-worth. Prayer. And unconditional love. Those are the ingredients for overcoming. 

I'm hooked on the latest Jane Green that I picked up from the library, called Jemima J, which is about an overeater. I've been hooked, not only by the girl's story, but also by the writing style, which is incredibly different and intriguing. A bit of a spoiler coming, though I haven't finished the book yet ... she ends up losing a ton of weight, and reading about how she can shop carefree for new clothes and the attention she gets and how she feels about herself and how she can't imagine going back to the way she was, etc., it fills with both inspiration and envy. With determination and defeat. With hope and hopelessness. There's like this little battle within me - like the devil and angel on the shoulder thing. There's this run-on sentence in my head as I think, "Oh, that would be so great, such a nice way to live, I could totally do that, I could exercise every day and diet, and that could be me, but I'll never achieve that, I can't do that, I'm a complete failure at eating right, I'll never experience living like that ..." It's weird. As I'm reading the book, I'm feeling the emotions on each end of the spectrum, and while I'm happy for Jemima, I'm also sad for myself.

And I think I'm also feeling like a failure because I haven't worked on my manuscript in months.

Finishing my manuscript and losing weight are the two huge accomplishments I've wanted to achieve for, like, forever, but I'm finding myself so overwhelmed by each of them that I'm doing neither of them.

One thing at a time.

I just need to give myself a break.

An update ...

I forgot that yesterday was supposed to be my measure day, so I did it this morning ... I've lost another 1/2 inch on my bust, one inch on my waist, and 1/2 inch in the hips. Not too bad, considering I ate fattening and sugary food throughout the day on Tuesday.

I didn't weigh myself, not sure why. Probably because of the pigout day I had, not to mention I'm entering the PMS stage, which means BLOAT CITY.

I was chatting with my BFF Steph this morning, who, by the way, is svelte and gorgeous and has about the cutest baby daughter I've ever seen (besides my own, of course), and she mentioned a conversation she had with her sis wherein the topic was being able to eat whatever without repercussions.

I see the phrase "I eat whatever I want" occasionally in interviews with slim celebrities and what not, and not only is it a grating comment, but it's also misleading to those of us who eat emotionally or compulsively. We gnash our teeth and tear at our clothes because So-and-So is able to remain a size 2 while eating anything she wants, but the truth is, she probably doesn't WANT to eat a dozen Double Stuf Oreos at a time, or several scoops of butter pecan ice cream (is that an "old person's" ice cream? Once when I mentioned it was one of my faves, an acquaintance asked me if I was 80.), or half a pepperoni pizza, or a cheeseburger and large fries, or an indulgent dessert after a sizeable meal, etc. What I want to eat and what a normal eater wants to eat are entirely different things - hence the weight difference.

So what I've got to want is to eat foods that will get me closer to those smaller jeans AND not feel deprived while eating them. Tall order.

Though the one thing I have going for me is that I do enjoy working out. And I also tend to just automatically make better food choices when I do ... I may have mentioned that before.

I get an email newsletter from Get-Fit Guy, and today's was about the ideal weight. If all his calucations are confusing, he also conveniently provided this very helpful and very interesting link. I was pretty happy with what it considered my ideal weight to be, though I haven't been there in several years. Sigh. I also did the weight loss calculator and was surprised to see that my "to lose weight" daily calories were 1,000 cals lower than my "to maintain" calories. 1,000 ... that seems like a lot of extra food, which I'm obviously eating during weeks that I don't lose weight. Seeing those hard figures is always eye-opening.

Weekend with very different days

Friday night, the kids wanted me to watch some TV with them, so we popped up some popcorn and settled in to watch ... I can't remember what we watched. It was probably something on Nick. Or Disney Channel.

As I was popping the corn (we do it on the stove, with oil and kernels), I noticed a bag of crunchy Cheetos on top of the fridge. And being the world's best rationalizer, I said, "I can have a few. I've lost inches." I poured some in a bowl, got the kids' popcorn and settled in to watch goofy kid shows.

About halfway through my Cheetos, I looked at the bowl and thought, "These really aren't very good."

This is what I do. Every time I lose weight, I rationalize that I can eat whatever and how much I want because I'm finally thin, but that obviously doesn't work, which is why I'm the consummate yo-yo dieter.

Yesterday (Saturday), I woke up and one of my first thoughts was, "I should get up and workout." Part of me groaned inwardly, but another part of me knew that once the thought was in my head, I would be totally disappointed in myself if I laid in bed and did nothing. So, I got up, put on my shorts and T-shirt, grabbed my socks and sneakers, and headed downstairs.

I got in another step aerobic workout, and another arm workout, plus ab crunches. Felt good. I didn't feel hungry all morning, so I didn't eat breakfast. I cooled down, showered and got ready to get groceries.

Two hours later, my daughter and I were back from the grocery store and my son helped us put groceries away. I made my kiddos a quick lunch and we went back out to do some last-minute back-to-school shopping.

Another two hours later, we were back home, and I realized that not only had I not eaten all day (oh wait, I did munch on about four slices of a very tasty Gala apple that I had cut up for the kids' lunch), but I also was not hungry.

I made yummy French dips for dinner along with a bowl of sliced strawberries and bananas, and some baby carrots; I also threw some frozen french fries in the oven for a side. I sat down to my sandwich, on a toasted hoagie roll with provolone cheese and au jus for dipping - SO GOOD! - and realized I was actually a bit apprehensive about eating. Here I hadn't eaten anything but a few slices of apple, and I was nervous about eating my dinner. Great, I thought, I'm starting to go in the other direction! I wasn't ignoring hunger pains, however; I really never felt hungry all day. I think it's my anxiety med.

I enjoyed the sandwich and ate a small serving of fruit, but here's the great part: I ate ONE FRENCH FRY. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE french fries. But last night, I passed and didn't miss them at all.

This morning I woke up fairly early, and not wanting to start going in the other direction by not eating anything all day again, I decided I would just eat a little bit at each meal. I made pancakes for breakfast along with some oven cooked bacon - yummy! I had one pancake, no butter, a little syrup, and one slice of bacon. Still no coffee, and I've never been much of a juice fan, so just water to drink. I was satisfied. I did a short workout late in the morning.

In the afternoon, I ate a small lunch, then I made my own version of fatoush salad for dinner:

I marinated some boneless, skinless chicken breast in oil, lemon juice, garlic and onion powders, dried basil and oregano, and kosher salt and pepper for about an hour. I browned one side in oil in a hot pan for about five minutes, then finished them in the oven.

I had toasted some flat bread in the oven so it was nice and crispy. Then I tossed lettuce, diced tomatoes, diced cucumbers and broken pieces of the toasty flat bread in a large bowl. I whisked together olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, garlic, cilantro and parsley and pour it over the salad and tossed it.

I lightly oiled the rest of the flat bread and warmed it in the oven and made some honey butter for it. I also had some store-bought hummus.

When it was time to eat, I tossed the salad again, plated it and topped it with feta cheese, the sliced lemony chicken and some extra toasted flat bread for crunchiness. I usually like mine with black olives as well, but I forgot them tonight.

This is such a yummy salad. My kids eat the ingredients separately, but they enjoy it, even the feta cheese. The bread that gets tossed in the salad really picks up the lemon flavor, so when you bite into it, you get this yummy burst of sour lemon, then with the salty feta ... so good.

Anyway, I enjoyed my salad - oh, and we had some fresh grapes on the table that were perfectly sweet and delicious. It was a good meal.

And then ...

Do you KNOW what I'm going to say?

The bread.

Every. Time.

I tried a piece of the flat bread with some of the honey butter and was HOOKED. Instead of just one tiny piece, like I planned, I ate an entire round of it. The flat bread I used was a bit larger than, say, your standard pita bread.

I felt bummed.

And the scary thing is, the demented, rationalizing part of me said, "Well, you blew it now. You might as well blow it all the way."

Grrr.

So, the cravings kicked in. I did entertain the thoughts for awhile, then poured myself a caffeine-free diet Pepsi to take the edge off. And I've been fine. 

I was really surprised at how uneasy I felt about eating on Saturday, when I hadn't had hardly anything all day. Then, it was so easy to over-indulge when I tried to just eat "normally." Finding the balance has been harder than I thought, but it's still early in this, and I'm proud of the working out I've done. It was amazing how different I felt about  myself, though.

Yesterday, when I barely ate a thing and had gotten in a good workout, I felt strong and stood tall and felt great.

Today, when I ate rather normally and worked out for only about 20 minutes, I felt jiggly and bloated.

<sigh> So much to overcome. One day at a time.

Progress

Well, since last Thursday was my Spice Girl-inspired start date for Operation: Size 16, I thought I'd weigh myself this morning.

It showed a two-pound GAIN.

But, I wasn't too bummed, because as I said last week, the scale was acting goofy, and I'm not sure if my starting weight was even correct. So, whatever.

The good news is that I lost inches! 1-1/2 on my bust, 1 on  my waist, 2 on my hips. Woo-hoo! I forgot to measure my thigh and upper arm, and I'm too comfy now to get back up and do it. I was pleased with that progress.

Didn't work out today ... my daughter and I got home from the salon where she got an adorable back-to-school haircut, and my son was in the basement watching SpongeBob. I sat for a minute to watch with him, then my daughter came down and asked if I was going to watch TV for a little bit. I told her that I was actually thinking of getting my walking shoes on and walking on the treadmill while they were down there. She said, "No, please just sit!" and laid across me so I couldn't get up! So, I didn't get up. Not that I couldn't lift a 64-pound girl off of my lap. I just felt they wanted a little bit of ME time, where I'm just with them and not focused on a zillion other things. So, three of us sat through half an hour of hilariously stupid SpongeBob. It was actually pretty nice.

I like the way I feel these days. Even though I know in reality I'm still soft and jiggly, I feel stronger when I'm working out. I hold myself differently, walk a little straighter. You know how it goes.

Oh, that reminds me ... My son was watching me work out to one of my step aerobic tapes and he said, "Mom, if you keep doing that, you'll look like that blonde girl." He was referring to the tall, thin, blonde woman leading the workout. I asked, "Would that be good or bad?" and he shrugged and said, "It depends on if you want to be skinny."

The meaninful thing for me in that response is that he left that evaluation up to me. To him, it didn't matter.

Anyway ... I'm feeling pretty good right now. Seeing the change in the tape measure was surprising and encouraging. It can only get better if I just keep going.

Overcoming battles ... most of the time

I've had an interesting few days. Let's see ...

1) One evening, I had my usual cereal craving after the kids went to bed. It was gnawing and gnawing at me, driving me nuts. Lately, my "thing" is all about small, significant steps, and what I can do to make each snack or meal just a little bit better for me. So, I think, "Okay, how about if I just eat half a bowl? I'll conquer the craving, but not do as much damage."

So, I get my half a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch, which I can't eat in the morning because most flake cereals have malt in them, which puts me to sleep (plus, now that I've see the sugar content of RBC, I will be forgoing it from how on due to the reflux.). I pour half a bowl, pour the milk and eat.

And can I tell you that I was satisfied? That giving in a little bit did the trick and I was completely free from any craving for the rest of the night?

No, I can't tell you that. Because I wasn't. And it didn't. And I had the other half about 60 seconds after finishing the first half.

2) I had a TOTAL binge-like craving last night. Huge carb craving.

I realized that the cats were out of food and wouldn't have any for the morning, so I made a run to the store at around 10 p.m.

I get the cat food, then I think, "Little Debbies" in that zoned-out Homer Simpson-like way. I decide I'm going to give in to this craving, skinny jeans be damned - I need sugar and fat! So, I casually wander over to the Little Debbies shelf, and just as I'm beginning to look, a woman comes around the corner, all trim and athletic, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and I keep on walking, like "No, I'm not a fat woman who was just drooling over the variety of treats on this shelf."

I wander aimlessly in the produce section, like I'm really looking for something, and figure she's probably cleared out, and head back to Little Debbie land.

Nope, she's still hanging around. So, I decide I might as well pick up a gallon of milk since we go through it so quickly. I pick up the milk and head BACK to the Little Debbies (is it Little or Li'l?) and she's standing around the corner from them! So, I give up. I'm not picking up and carrying around a box of Swiss Cake Rolls in front of this woman.

I felt good that I hadn't actually gone through with it. And the whole situation reminded me of the passages in the Bible that talk about how God never lets us be tempted beyond what we can bear, and he always provides a way out. You know what I'm thinking? That woman was my way out. She kept hanging around right in that area, even though I went back THREE TIMES. So, thank you, Lord. (Maybe she was checking them out herself.)

3) I was listening to one of my audio books today, and in it a character who had just begun writing a book states that she's discovered the one thing about writing that other people who say they want to write but never get around to doing it or who start writing and never finish don't have. I sat up straighter in the car and listened closely, given that I'm one of the latter people. And there's a dramatic pause in the CD, and the narrator says ...

"Discipline."

Oh, ugh, not THAT. Yes, I already know I lack discipline. Hence the unfinished manuscript and the smaller jeans sitting up high on a shelf in my closet. 

I've come to realize (you ever notice how much "realizing" I do on this blog?) that I have these two big desires battling it out with each other: wanting to lose weight and wanting to finish my manuscript, two things I have complete control over. I have a third big desire, which is to be a stay-at-home mom again, but that one isn't as quite in my control as I'd like. These things produce a lot of anxiety in me, a constant sense of urgency, a feeling that I just can't catch up in life. For an emotional eater, those things are HUGE (pardon the pun).

If I tend to eat because I'm not quite satisfied with how life is going at the moment, or to calm my anxiety, or to comfort myself when I feel overwhelmed ... well, that's my life right now. At any given moment, I'm feeling one of those things.

Hence my carb cravings. Carbs are calming. And giving me a big butt. Which is alarming.

I tend to have an anxiety issue anyway, and had started an Rx for it earlier in the year, but went off it, basically because I could never remember to take it (did I mention I have a problem with discipline?) and it's pretty expensive. Now, I'm thinking, if I could get a little help with this hum of anxiety I'm always living with, maybe I can get a better handle on eating, as well as on discipline in other areas. So, I started taking it today.

4) I caught a sideways view of myself in the full-length mirror in the bathroom at work and was HORRIFIED. I can't believe someone was able to put a watermelon in the back of my pants without me realizing it.

5) My co-worker popped her head into my office this morning to let me know that she had brought a cake in and it was sitting on the back table. I told her thanks, and never went back to the back table.

6) I spent about 10 minutes at work today finding exercises I could do while trapped at a desk in front of a computer and actually did some.

So, good and not so good. But I'm learning ... all the time, learning.