Well ... how about that.
What I was absolutely certain was causing my pain and discomfort isn't.
It's rather strange to hear that nothing is wrong and feel disappointed and confused. But after awhile, I thwapped myself on the forehead and said, "You idiot. You're healthy. No more surgeries. No scary bad news. What the hell is wrong with you?"
Obviously, I'm glad that there's nothing wrong. The disappointment came because I thought I finally had answers with a definitive treatment on the horizon.
The possible new diagnosis is IBS. After reading up about it, the symptoms make sense. And some symptoms were similar to endometriosis, which is what my doc and I thought we were up against. Since my symptoms got so much worse just before and during "that time of the month," I assumed it was all gyn related.
But now I realize - duh - I crave sweets and fattening treats during that time, so possibly my symptoms were worse because I was indulging in (such a nice way of saying "pigging out on") those types of foods.
I still need to read more about IBS ... from what I've read so far, some experts think this, some think that. Is it really what you eat that triggers problems? Or is it a dysfunction of the intestines? Or is it hormonal? One of my coworkers mentioned a link to fibromyalgia, which I have, so is it all a misfiring of nerves in the muscle? It's all very frustrating. And throwing my mold allergy into the mix ... I enjoyed grapes for an afternoon snack today, and spent the rest of my workday completely flushed - an allergic reaction. Did you know that grapes are very moldy? And I'd better have a bed or at the very least a couch nearby if I decide to eat bread. Snoozeville.
So, I spent a couple days whining and complaining to my good friend SETD'A (how do you like those intials?) and my mom ... but now I'm like, "Shut the H-E-double-hockey-sticks up." If the worse thing that happens to me is I get some cramping and diarrhea after eating certain foods or during certain days, or if I have to avoid certain foods because I have MINOR allergic discomfort, then I need to count myself among the truly blessed.
The lazy-ass part of me doesn't want to have to do all the work to figure out what I can eat and what I can't. The immature, compulsive side of me that is addicted to food wants to eat what I want when I want - consequences be damned.
But, obviously, you can't abuse your body and expect it to continue to work at 100%. Whether it's food, drugs, alcohol, over-exercising, overworking ... something's gonna give.
So ... I'm back where I started. Trying to eat right, overcome overeating, make healthy food choices. Listen to my body, and respect what it needs and what it's telling me.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Wow ... a month later
Well, it's been awhile. Can't say it's been all good since I've been away.
I've been dealing with some health issues, lately ... oh, and HOW am I dealing with those health issues and the bits of anxiety that tend to pop up, not only about my health and what may be wrong, but also about the financial aspect of having tests and surgeries and what not?
I'm eating.
Yep, that good ol' reliever of all things stressful. Sweet carbs. Sigh.
It's so stupid. I'm dealing with HEALTH issues, so wouldn't it make sense to treat my body as good as I possibly can by giving it healthy foods in healthy amounts?
Yes, it would. But emotional eating works by emotion, not sense, remember? I'm getting comfort from the feeling of fullness, by the simple carbs, by the sweet taste. It all allows me to put off thinking about anything truly scary or stressful. BUT, the catch is that eating this way also ends up causing stress because I gain weight, adding to an already overloaded system of worry. An endless loop of insanity.
I'm sure I've gained, though I haven't measured or weighed myself lately. One of the symptoms I'm dealing with is bloating, so my tummy area is bigger anyway, but I'm sure my carb feasts are adding to it.
I remember Oprah saying once a long time ago as she talked about her ongoing battle with food that, never mind wanting to impress other people or get their praise or kudos ... she just wanted to be proud of herself. That's so true. At the end of the day, literally, I want to feel proud of myself for strength and discipline and self-control. Not disappointed and sick to my stomach.
It seems like I almost have to be on my own case all day long ... but then I think, how would a kid feel if all day long, someone was on his/her case? Drained, defeated, worthless, rebellious.
Encouragement. Belief in oneself. Self-worth. Prayer. And unconditional love. Those are the ingredients for overcoming.
I'm hooked on the latest Jane Green that I picked up from the library, called Jemima J, which is about an overeater. I've been hooked, not only by the girl's story, but also by the writing style, which is incredibly different and intriguing. A bit of a spoiler coming, though I haven't finished the book yet ... she ends up losing a ton of weight, and reading about how she can shop carefree for new clothes and the attention she gets and how she feels about herself and how she can't imagine going back to the way she was, etc., it fills with both inspiration and envy. With determination and defeat. With hope and hopelessness. There's like this little battle within me - like the devil and angel on the shoulder thing. There's this run-on sentence in my head as I think, "Oh, that would be so great, such a nice way to live, I could totally do that, I could exercise every day and diet, and that could be me, but I'll never achieve that, I can't do that, I'm a complete failure at eating right, I'll never experience living like that ..." It's weird. As I'm reading the book, I'm feeling the emotions on each end of the spectrum, and while I'm happy for Jemima, I'm also sad for myself.
And I think I'm also feeling like a failure because I haven't worked on my manuscript in months.
Finishing my manuscript and losing weight are the two huge accomplishments I've wanted to achieve for, like, forever, but I'm finding myself so overwhelmed by each of them that I'm doing neither of them.
One thing at a time.
I just need to give myself a break.
I've been dealing with some health issues, lately ... oh, and HOW am I dealing with those health issues and the bits of anxiety that tend to pop up, not only about my health and what may be wrong, but also about the financial aspect of having tests and surgeries and what not?
I'm eating.
Yep, that good ol' reliever of all things stressful. Sweet carbs. Sigh.
It's so stupid. I'm dealing with HEALTH issues, so wouldn't it make sense to treat my body as good as I possibly can by giving it healthy foods in healthy amounts?
Yes, it would. But emotional eating works by emotion, not sense, remember? I'm getting comfort from the feeling of fullness, by the simple carbs, by the sweet taste. It all allows me to put off thinking about anything truly scary or stressful. BUT, the catch is that eating this way also ends up causing stress because I gain weight, adding to an already overloaded system of worry. An endless loop of insanity.
I'm sure I've gained, though I haven't measured or weighed myself lately. One of the symptoms I'm dealing with is bloating, so my tummy area is bigger anyway, but I'm sure my carb feasts are adding to it.
I remember Oprah saying once a long time ago as she talked about her ongoing battle with food that, never mind wanting to impress other people or get their praise or kudos ... she just wanted to be proud of herself. That's so true. At the end of the day, literally, I want to feel proud of myself for strength and discipline and self-control. Not disappointed and sick to my stomach.
It seems like I almost have to be on my own case all day long ... but then I think, how would a kid feel if all day long, someone was on his/her case? Drained, defeated, worthless, rebellious.
Encouragement. Belief in oneself. Self-worth. Prayer. And unconditional love. Those are the ingredients for overcoming.
I'm hooked on the latest Jane Green that I picked up from the library, called Jemima J, which is about an overeater. I've been hooked, not only by the girl's story, but also by the writing style, which is incredibly different and intriguing. A bit of a spoiler coming, though I haven't finished the book yet ... she ends up losing a ton of weight, and reading about how she can shop carefree for new clothes and the attention she gets and how she feels about herself and how she can't imagine going back to the way she was, etc., it fills with both inspiration and envy. With determination and defeat. With hope and hopelessness. There's like this little battle within me - like the devil and angel on the shoulder thing. There's this run-on sentence in my head as I think, "Oh, that would be so great, such a nice way to live, I could totally do that, I could exercise every day and diet, and that could be me, but I'll never achieve that, I can't do that, I'm a complete failure at eating right, I'll never experience living like that ..." It's weird. As I'm reading the book, I'm feeling the emotions on each end of the spectrum, and while I'm happy for Jemima, I'm also sad for myself.
And I think I'm also feeling like a failure because I haven't worked on my manuscript in months.
Finishing my manuscript and losing weight are the two huge accomplishments I've wanted to achieve for, like, forever, but I'm finding myself so overwhelmed by each of them that I'm doing neither of them.
One thing at a time.
I just need to give myself a break.
Friday, September 9, 2011
An update ...
I didn't weigh myself, not sure why. Probably because of the pigout day I had, not to mention I'm entering the PMS stage, which means BLOAT CITY.
I was chatting with my BFF Steph this morning, who, by the way, is svelte and gorgeous and has about the cutest baby daughter I've ever seen (besides my own, of course), and she mentioned a conversation she had with her sis wherein the topic was being able to eat whatever without repercussions.
I see the phrase "I eat whatever I want" occasionally in interviews with slim celebrities and what not, and not only is it a grating comment, but it's also misleading to those of us who eat emotionally or compulsively. We gnash our teeth and tear at our clothes because So-and-So is able to remain a size 2 while eating anything she wants, but the truth is, she probably doesn't WANT to eat a dozen Double Stuf Oreos at a time, or several scoops of butter pecan ice cream (is that an "old person's" ice cream? Once when I mentioned it was one of my faves, an acquaintance asked me if I was 80.), or half a pepperoni pizza, or a cheeseburger and large fries, or an indulgent dessert after a sizeable meal, etc. What I want to eat and what a normal eater wants to eat are entirely different things - hence the weight difference.
So what I've got to want is to eat foods that will get me closer to those smaller jeans AND not feel deprived while eating them. Tall order.
Though the one thing I have going for me is that I do enjoy working out. And I also tend to just automatically make better food choices when I do ... I may have mentioned that before.
I get an email newsletter from Get-Fit Guy, and today's was about the ideal weight. If all his calucations are confusing, he also conveniently provided this very helpful and very interesting link. I was pretty happy with what it considered my ideal weight to be, though I haven't been there in several years. Sigh. I also did the weight loss calculator and was surprised to see that my "to lose weight" daily calories were 1,000 cals lower than my "to maintain" calories. 1,000 ... that seems like a lot of extra food, which I'm obviously eating during weeks that I don't lose weight. Seeing those hard figures is always eye-opening.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Weekend with very different days
Friday night, the kids wanted me to watch some TV with them, so we popped up some popcorn and settled in to watch ... I can't remember what we watched. It was probably something on Nick. Or Disney Channel.
As I was popping the corn (we do it on the stove, with oil and kernels), I noticed a bag of crunchy Cheetos on top of the fridge. And being the world's best rationalizer, I said, "I can have a few. I've lost inches." I poured some in a bowl, got the kids' popcorn and settled in to watch goofy kid shows.
About halfway through my Cheetos, I looked at the bowl and thought, "These really aren't very good."
This is what I do. Every time I lose weight, I rationalize that I can eat whatever and how much I want because I'm finally thin, but that obviously doesn't work, which is why I'm the consummate yo-yo dieter.
Yesterday (Saturday), I woke up and one of my first thoughts was, "I should get up and workout." Part of me groaned inwardly, but another part of me knew that once the thought was in my head, I would be totally disappointed in myself if I laid in bed and did nothing. So, I got up, put on my shorts and T-shirt, grabbed my socks and sneakers, and headed downstairs.
I got in another step aerobic workout, and another arm workout, plus ab crunches. Felt good. I didn't feel hungry all morning, so I didn't eat breakfast. I cooled down, showered and got ready to get groceries.
Two hours later, my daughter and I were back from the grocery store and my son helped us put groceries away. I made my kiddos a quick lunch and we went back out to do some last-minute back-to-school shopping.
Another two hours later, we were back home, and I realized that not only had I not eaten all day (oh wait, I did munch on about four slices of a very tasty Gala apple that I had cut up for the kids' lunch), but I also was not hungry.
I made yummy French dips for dinner along with a bowl of sliced strawberries and bananas, and some baby carrots; I also threw some frozen french fries in the oven for a side. I sat down to my sandwich, on a toasted hoagie roll with provolone cheese and au jus for dipping - SO GOOD! - and realized I was actually a bit apprehensive about eating. Here I hadn't eaten anything but a few slices of apple, and I was nervous about eating my dinner. Great, I thought, I'm starting to go in the other direction! I wasn't ignoring hunger pains, however; I really never felt hungry all day. I think it's my anxiety med.
I enjoyed the sandwich and ate a small serving of fruit, but here's the great part: I ate ONE FRENCH FRY. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE french fries. But last night, I passed and didn't miss them at all.
This morning I woke up fairly early, and not wanting to start going in the other direction by not eating anything all day again, I decided I would just eat a little bit at each meal. I made pancakes for breakfast along with some oven cooked bacon - yummy! I had one pancake, no butter, a little syrup, and one slice of bacon. Still no coffee, and I've never been much of a juice fan, so just water to drink. I was satisfied. I did a short workout late in the morning.
In the afternoon, I ate a small lunch, then I made my own version of fatoush salad for dinner:
I marinated some boneless, skinless chicken breast in oil, lemon juice, garlic and onion powders, dried basil and oregano, and kosher salt and pepper for about an hour. I browned one side in oil in a hot pan for about five minutes, then finished them in the oven.
I had toasted some flat bread in the oven so it was nice and crispy. Then I tossed lettuce, diced tomatoes, diced cucumbers and broken pieces of the toasty flat bread in a large bowl. I whisked together olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, garlic, cilantro and parsley and pour it over the salad and tossed it.
I lightly oiled the rest of the flat bread and warmed it in the oven and made some honey butter for it. I also had some store-bought hummus.
When it was time to eat, I tossed the salad again, plated it and topped it with feta cheese, the sliced lemony chicken and some extra toasted flat bread for crunchiness. I usually like mine with black olives as well, but I forgot them tonight.
This is such a yummy salad. My kids eat the ingredients separately, but they enjoy it, even the feta cheese. The bread that gets tossed in the salad really picks up the lemon flavor, so when you bite into it, you get this yummy burst of sour lemon, then with the salty feta ... so good.
Anyway, I enjoyed my salad - oh, and we had some fresh grapes on the table that were perfectly sweet and delicious. It was a good meal.
And then ...
Do you KNOW what I'm going to say?
The bread.
Every. Time.
I tried a piece of the flat bread with some of the honey butter and was HOOKED. Instead of just one tiny piece, like I planned, I ate an entire round of it. The flat bread I used was a bit larger than, say, your standard pita bread.
I felt bummed.
And the scary thing is, the demented, rationalizing part of me said, "Well, you blew it now. You might as well blow it all the way."
Grrr.
So, the cravings kicked in. I did entertain the thoughts for awhile, then poured myself a caffeine-free diet Pepsi to take the edge off. And I've been fine.
I was really surprised at how uneasy I felt about eating on Saturday, when I hadn't had hardly anything all day. Then, it was so easy to over-indulge when I tried to just eat "normally." Finding the balance has been harder than I thought, but it's still early in this, and I'm proud of the working out I've done. It was amazing how different I felt about myself, though.
Yesterday, when I barely ate a thing and had gotten in a good workout, I felt strong and stood tall and felt great.
Today, when I ate rather normally and worked out for only about 20 minutes, I felt jiggly and bloated.
<sigh> So much to overcome. One day at a time.
As I was popping the corn (we do it on the stove, with oil and kernels), I noticed a bag of crunchy Cheetos on top of the fridge. And being the world's best rationalizer, I said, "I can have a few. I've lost inches." I poured some in a bowl, got the kids' popcorn and settled in to watch goofy kid shows.
About halfway through my Cheetos, I looked at the bowl and thought, "These really aren't very good."
This is what I do. Every time I lose weight, I rationalize that I can eat whatever and how much I want because I'm finally thin, but that obviously doesn't work, which is why I'm the consummate yo-yo dieter.
Yesterday (Saturday), I woke up and one of my first thoughts was, "I should get up and workout." Part of me groaned inwardly, but another part of me knew that once the thought was in my head, I would be totally disappointed in myself if I laid in bed and did nothing. So, I got up, put on my shorts and T-shirt, grabbed my socks and sneakers, and headed downstairs.
I got in another step aerobic workout, and another arm workout, plus ab crunches. Felt good. I didn't feel hungry all morning, so I didn't eat breakfast. I cooled down, showered and got ready to get groceries.
Two hours later, my daughter and I were back from the grocery store and my son helped us put groceries away. I made my kiddos a quick lunch and we went back out to do some last-minute back-to-school shopping.
Another two hours later, we were back home, and I realized that not only had I not eaten all day (oh wait, I did munch on about four slices of a very tasty Gala apple that I had cut up for the kids' lunch), but I also was not hungry.
I made yummy French dips for dinner along with a bowl of sliced strawberries and bananas, and some baby carrots; I also threw some frozen french fries in the oven for a side. I sat down to my sandwich, on a toasted hoagie roll with provolone cheese and au jus for dipping - SO GOOD! - and realized I was actually a bit apprehensive about eating. Here I hadn't eaten anything but a few slices of apple, and I was nervous about eating my dinner. Great, I thought, I'm starting to go in the other direction! I wasn't ignoring hunger pains, however; I really never felt hungry all day. I think it's my anxiety med.
I enjoyed the sandwich and ate a small serving of fruit, but here's the great part: I ate ONE FRENCH FRY. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE french fries. But last night, I passed and didn't miss them at all.
This morning I woke up fairly early, and not wanting to start going in the other direction by not eating anything all day again, I decided I would just eat a little bit at each meal. I made pancakes for breakfast along with some oven cooked bacon - yummy! I had one pancake, no butter, a little syrup, and one slice of bacon. Still no coffee, and I've never been much of a juice fan, so just water to drink. I was satisfied. I did a short workout late in the morning.
In the afternoon, I ate a small lunch, then I made my own version of fatoush salad for dinner:
I marinated some boneless, skinless chicken breast in oil, lemon juice, garlic and onion powders, dried basil and oregano, and kosher salt and pepper for about an hour. I browned one side in oil in a hot pan for about five minutes, then finished them in the oven.
I had toasted some flat bread in the oven so it was nice and crispy. Then I tossed lettuce, diced tomatoes, diced cucumbers and broken pieces of the toasty flat bread in a large bowl. I whisked together olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, garlic, cilantro and parsley and pour it over the salad and tossed it.
I lightly oiled the rest of the flat bread and warmed it in the oven and made some honey butter for it. I also had some store-bought hummus.
When it was time to eat, I tossed the salad again, plated it and topped it with feta cheese, the sliced lemony chicken and some extra toasted flat bread for crunchiness. I usually like mine with black olives as well, but I forgot them tonight.
This is such a yummy salad. My kids eat the ingredients separately, but they enjoy it, even the feta cheese. The bread that gets tossed in the salad really picks up the lemon flavor, so when you bite into it, you get this yummy burst of sour lemon, then with the salty feta ... so good.
Anyway, I enjoyed my salad - oh, and we had some fresh grapes on the table that were perfectly sweet and delicious. It was a good meal.
And then ...
Do you KNOW what I'm going to say?
The bread.
Every. Time.
I tried a piece of the flat bread with some of the honey butter and was HOOKED. Instead of just one tiny piece, like I planned, I ate an entire round of it. The flat bread I used was a bit larger than, say, your standard pita bread.
I felt bummed.
And the scary thing is, the demented, rationalizing part of me said, "Well, you blew it now. You might as well blow it all the way."
Grrr.
So, the cravings kicked in. I did entertain the thoughts for awhile, then poured myself a caffeine-free diet Pepsi to take the edge off. And I've been fine.
I was really surprised at how uneasy I felt about eating on Saturday, when I hadn't had hardly anything all day. Then, it was so easy to over-indulge when I tried to just eat "normally." Finding the balance has been harder than I thought, but it's still early in this, and I'm proud of the working out I've done. It was amazing how different I felt about myself, though.
Yesterday, when I barely ate a thing and had gotten in a good workout, I felt strong and stood tall and felt great.
Today, when I ate rather normally and worked out for only about 20 minutes, I felt jiggly and bloated.
<sigh> So much to overcome. One day at a time.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Progress
Well, since last Thursday was my Spice Girl-inspired start date for Operation: Size 16, I thought I'd weigh myself this morning.
It showed a two-pound GAIN.
But, I wasn't too bummed, because as I said last week, the scale was acting goofy, and I'm not sure if my starting weight was even correct. So, whatever.
The good news is that I lost inches! 1-1/2 on my bust, 1 on my waist, 2 on my hips. Woo-hoo! I forgot to measure my thigh and upper arm, and I'm too comfy now to get back up and do it. I was pleased with that progress.
Didn't work out today ... my daughter and I got home from the salon where she got an adorable back-to-school haircut, and my son was in the basement watching SpongeBob. I sat for a minute to watch with him, then my daughter came down and asked if I was going to watch TV for a little bit. I told her that I was actually thinking of getting my walking shoes on and walking on the treadmill while they were down there. She said, "No, please just sit!" and laid across me so I couldn't get up! So, I didn't get up. Not that I couldn't lift a 64-pound girl off of my lap. I just felt they wanted a little bit of ME time, where I'm just with them and not focused on a zillion other things. So, three of us sat through half an hour of hilariously stupid SpongeBob. It was actually pretty nice.
I like the way I feel these days. Even though I know in reality I'm still soft and jiggly, I feel stronger when I'm working out. I hold myself differently, walk a little straighter. You know how it goes.
Oh, that reminds me ... My son was watching me work out to one of my step aerobic tapes and he said, "Mom, if you keep doing that, you'll look like that blonde girl." He was referring to the tall, thin, blonde woman leading the workout. I asked, "Would that be good or bad?" and he shrugged and said, "It depends on if you want to be skinny."
The meaninful thing for me in that response is that he left that evaluation up to me. To him, it didn't matter.
Anyway ... I'm feeling pretty good right now. Seeing the change in the tape measure was surprising and encouraging. It can only get better if I just keep going.
It showed a two-pound GAIN.
But, I wasn't too bummed, because as I said last week, the scale was acting goofy, and I'm not sure if my starting weight was even correct. So, whatever.
The good news is that I lost inches! 1-1/2 on my bust, 1 on my waist, 2 on my hips. Woo-hoo! I forgot to measure my thigh and upper arm, and I'm too comfy now to get back up and do it. I was pleased with that progress.
Didn't work out today ... my daughter and I got home from the salon where she got an adorable back-to-school haircut, and my son was in the basement watching SpongeBob. I sat for a minute to watch with him, then my daughter came down and asked if I was going to watch TV for a little bit. I told her that I was actually thinking of getting my walking shoes on and walking on the treadmill while they were down there. She said, "No, please just sit!" and laid across me so I couldn't get up! So, I didn't get up. Not that I couldn't lift a 64-pound girl off of my lap. I just felt they wanted a little bit of ME time, where I'm just with them and not focused on a zillion other things. So, three of us sat through half an hour of hilariously stupid SpongeBob. It was actually pretty nice.
I like the way I feel these days. Even though I know in reality I'm still soft and jiggly, I feel stronger when I'm working out. I hold myself differently, walk a little straighter. You know how it goes.
Oh, that reminds me ... My son was watching me work out to one of my step aerobic tapes and he said, "Mom, if you keep doing that, you'll look like that blonde girl." He was referring to the tall, thin, blonde woman leading the workout. I asked, "Would that be good or bad?" and he shrugged and said, "It depends on if you want to be skinny."
The meaninful thing for me in that response is that he left that evaluation up to me. To him, it didn't matter.
Anyway ... I'm feeling pretty good right now. Seeing the change in the tape measure was surprising and encouraging. It can only get better if I just keep going.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Overcoming battles ... most of the time
I've had an interesting few days. Let's see ...
1) One evening, I had my usual cereal craving after the kids went to bed. It was gnawing and gnawing at me, driving me nuts. Lately, my "thing" is all about small, significant steps, and what I can do to make each snack or meal just a little bit better for me. So, I think, "Okay, how about if I just eat half a bowl? I'll conquer the craving, but not do as much damage."
So, I get my half a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch, which I can't eat in the morning because most flake cereals have malt in them, which puts me to sleep (plus, now that I've see the sugar content of RBC, I will be forgoing it from how on due to the reflux.). I pour half a bowl, pour the milk and eat.
And can I tell you that I was satisfied? That giving in a little bit did the trick and I was completely free from any craving for the rest of the night?
No, I can't tell you that. Because I wasn't. And it didn't. And I had the other half about 60 seconds after finishing the first half.
2) I had a TOTAL binge-like craving last night. Huge carb craving.
I realized that the cats were out of food and wouldn't have any for the morning, so I made a run to the store at around 10 p.m.
I get the cat food, then I think, "Little Debbies" in that zoned-out Homer Simpson-like way. I decide I'm going to give in to this craving, skinny jeans be damned - I need sugar and fat! So, I casually wander over to the Little Debbies shelf, and just as I'm beginning to look, a woman comes around the corner, all trim and athletic, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and I keep on walking, like "No, I'm not a fat woman who was just drooling over the variety of treats on this shelf."
I wander aimlessly in the produce section, like I'm really looking for something, and figure she's probably cleared out, and head back to Little Debbie land.
Nope, she's still hanging around. So, I decide I might as well pick up a gallon of milk since we go through it so quickly. I pick up the milk and head BACK to the Little Debbies (is it Little or Li'l?) and she's standing around the corner from them! So, I give up. I'm not picking up and carrying around a box of Swiss Cake Rolls in front of this woman.
I felt good that I hadn't actually gone through with it. And the whole situation reminded me of the passages in the Bible that talk about how God never lets us be tempted beyond what we can bear, and he always provides a way out. You know what I'm thinking? That woman was my way out. She kept hanging around right in that area, even though I went back THREE TIMES. So, thank you, Lord. (Maybe she was checking them out herself.)
3) I was listening to one of my audio books today, and in it a character who had just begun writing a book states that she's discovered the one thing about writing that other people who say they want to write but never get around to doing it or who start writing and never finish don't have. I sat up straighter in the car and listened closely, given that I'm one of the latter people. And there's a dramatic pause in the CD, and the narrator says ...
"Discipline."
Oh, ugh, not THAT. Yes, I already know I lack discipline. Hence the unfinished manuscript and the smaller jeans sitting up high on a shelf in my closet.
I've come to realize (you ever notice how much "realizing" I do on this blog?) that I have these two big desires battling it out with each other: wanting to lose weight and wanting to finish my manuscript, two things I have complete control over. I have a third big desire, which is to be a stay-at-home mom again, but that one isn't as quite in my control as I'd like. These things produce a lot of anxiety in me, a constant sense of urgency, a feeling that I just can't catch up in life. For an emotional eater, those things are HUGE (pardon the pun).
If I tend to eat because I'm not quite satisfied with how life is going at the moment, or to calm my anxiety, or to comfort myself when I feel overwhelmed ... well, that's my life right now. At any given moment, I'm feeling one of those things.
Hence my carb cravings. Carbs are calming. And giving me a big butt. Which is alarming.
I tend to have an anxiety issue anyway, and had started an Rx for it earlier in the year, but went off it, basically because I could never remember to take it (did I mention I have a problem with discipline?) and it's pretty expensive. Now, I'm thinking, if I could get a little help with this hum of anxiety I'm always living with, maybe I can get a better handle on eating, as well as on discipline in other areas. So, I started taking it today.
4) I caught a sideways view of myself in the full-length mirror in the bathroom at work and was HORRIFIED. I can't believe someone was able to put a watermelon in the back of my pants without me realizing it.
5) My co-worker popped her head into my office this morning to let me know that she had brought a cake in and it was sitting on the back table. I told her thanks, and never went back to the back table.
6) I spent about 10 minutes at work today finding exercises I could do while trapped at a desk in front of a computer and actually did some.
So, good and not so good. But I'm learning ... all the time, learning.
1) One evening, I had my usual cereal craving after the kids went to bed. It was gnawing and gnawing at me, driving me nuts. Lately, my "thing" is all about small, significant steps, and what I can do to make each snack or meal just a little bit better for me. So, I think, "Okay, how about if I just eat half a bowl? I'll conquer the craving, but not do as much damage."
So, I get my half a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch, which I can't eat in the morning because most flake cereals have malt in them, which puts me to sleep (plus, now that I've see the sugar content of RBC, I will be forgoing it from how on due to the reflux.). I pour half a bowl, pour the milk and eat.
And can I tell you that I was satisfied? That giving in a little bit did the trick and I was completely free from any craving for the rest of the night?
No, I can't tell you that. Because I wasn't. And it didn't. And I had the other half about 60 seconds after finishing the first half.
2) I had a TOTAL binge-like craving last night. Huge carb craving.
I realized that the cats were out of food and wouldn't have any for the morning, so I made a run to the store at around 10 p.m.
I get the cat food, then I think, "Little Debbies" in that zoned-out Homer Simpson-like way. I decide I'm going to give in to this craving, skinny jeans be damned - I need sugar and fat! So, I casually wander over to the Little Debbies shelf, and just as I'm beginning to look, a woman comes around the corner, all trim and athletic, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and I keep on walking, like "No, I'm not a fat woman who was just drooling over the variety of treats on this shelf."
I wander aimlessly in the produce section, like I'm really looking for something, and figure she's probably cleared out, and head back to Little Debbie land.
Nope, she's still hanging around. So, I decide I might as well pick up a gallon of milk since we go through it so quickly. I pick up the milk and head BACK to the Little Debbies (is it Little or Li'l?) and she's standing around the corner from them! So, I give up. I'm not picking up and carrying around a box of Swiss Cake Rolls in front of this woman.
I felt good that I hadn't actually gone through with it. And the whole situation reminded me of the passages in the Bible that talk about how God never lets us be tempted beyond what we can bear, and he always provides a way out. You know what I'm thinking? That woman was my way out. She kept hanging around right in that area, even though I went back THREE TIMES. So, thank you, Lord. (Maybe she was checking them out herself.)
3) I was listening to one of my audio books today, and in it a character who had just begun writing a book states that she's discovered the one thing about writing that other people who say they want to write but never get around to doing it or who start writing and never finish don't have. I sat up straighter in the car and listened closely, given that I'm one of the latter people. And there's a dramatic pause in the CD, and the narrator says ...
"Discipline."
Oh, ugh, not THAT. Yes, I already know I lack discipline. Hence the unfinished manuscript and the smaller jeans sitting up high on a shelf in my closet.
I've come to realize (you ever notice how much "realizing" I do on this blog?) that I have these two big desires battling it out with each other: wanting to lose weight and wanting to finish my manuscript, two things I have complete control over. I have a third big desire, which is to be a stay-at-home mom again, but that one isn't as quite in my control as I'd like. These things produce a lot of anxiety in me, a constant sense of urgency, a feeling that I just can't catch up in life. For an emotional eater, those things are HUGE (pardon the pun).
If I tend to eat because I'm not quite satisfied with how life is going at the moment, or to calm my anxiety, or to comfort myself when I feel overwhelmed ... well, that's my life right now. At any given moment, I'm feeling one of those things.
Hence my carb cravings. Carbs are calming. And giving me a big butt. Which is alarming.
I tend to have an anxiety issue anyway, and had started an Rx for it earlier in the year, but went off it, basically because I could never remember to take it (did I mention I have a problem with discipline?) and it's pretty expensive. Now, I'm thinking, if I could get a little help with this hum of anxiety I'm always living with, maybe I can get a better handle on eating, as well as on discipline in other areas. So, I started taking it today.
4) I caught a sideways view of myself in the full-length mirror in the bathroom at work and was HORRIFIED. I can't believe someone was able to put a watermelon in the back of my pants without me realizing it.
5) My co-worker popped her head into my office this morning to let me know that she had brought a cake in and it was sitting on the back table. I told her thanks, and never went back to the back table.
6) I spent about 10 minutes at work today finding exercises I could do while trapped at a desk in front of a computer and actually did some.
So, good and not so good. But I'm learning ... all the time, learning.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Not bad so far ...
When, oh WHEN am I going to learn that I can not tolerate bread!?
But before I get into that, I've had a couple good days. Yesterday I weighed myself, though our digital scale is acting up so I'm not entirely sure it's accurate. I also took measurements ... yikes. Talk about the cold, hard truth (or soft, squishy truth, which would be more accurate here). Not sharing these figures. Maybe when I get to my goal, but for now - eek. I just can't share. Too embarrassing.
Let's see ... ate rather well; not a lot of flour, and sugar? Let me think ... no, not a lot of sugar now that I think of it. Last night as I was working, I got a craving as I do most every night. I usually crave a bowl of cereal, but last night, it was for one of the Drumsticks we have in the freezer (the ice cream kind, not the from-a-chicken kind. Anyone who knows me knows that I would NEVER eat a chicken drumstick). But I ignored the craving and kept right on working. Would have been too hard to eat an ice cream cone while typing anyway.
This morning, I felt a pull for a Burger King croissanwich, but again, drove right on by. I hadn't given myself time to eat breakfast, but luckily my boss made some mini zucchini muffins and brought them in, so I held myself over with one of those. Yes, one. Amazing, no? She had also made a Chex-like mix that was super yummy. I had some at about noon to hold myself over until lunch at 1.
Then, tonight, we had spaghetti, and I had a small serving. But then, I was pulled in by the dang garlic toast. Within minutes after I ate it, I was so bloated and felt sickish. I'm not sure if it's the mold allergy or what, but I felt pretty bad.
The good news is that I was sitting on the couch feeling bloated and awful, and decided to work out. So, I did a 35-minute step aerobic tape - I know, can I BE any more 90s? But I love doing step aerobics, and I've gotten into pretty great shape doing it in the past. I also did some weights, mostly arms, for about 15 minutes.
No snacks tonight. That's two nights in a row with no snacking, which is really good for me.
I came across an interesting article today as well. Actually, it was just the intro to the article, but it caught my attention:
************
Tweak Your Lifestyle - by Jessican Girdwain, Health magazine
It's a familiar story: you pledge to honor a daily elliptical routine and count every last calorie. But soon, you're eating cupcakes at the office and grabbing happy hour mojitos, thinking, Oops, diet over.
There is a better way: Swap the all-or-nothing approach for one or two healthy switch-ups in your daily routine. "Doing this can lead to more weight loss than you ever imagined," says Marissa Lippert, RD, author of The Cheater's Diet. [Side note: Love that book title. I'm so going to check that out.]
****************
The article went on to share these small tips that women who had lost quite a bit of weight did, like never skipping breakfast or listening to super fun music while working out, and the point was that they just did these minor changes, not some whole big lifestyle overhaul.
Which is what I do all the time. Only, I won't just stop at restricting my diet and vowing to work out every day. I'll tack on "I'll floss my teeth twice a day." "I'll get up 20 minutes early to have my quiet time every morning." "I'll have a spotless house by the end of the day every day." and so on. So many changes all at once, pretty much guaranteeing that I'll fail.
It's these small, mindful steps that can really make a difference, which is what I'm counting on. And for me, working out is SO key. When I'm working out on a regular basis, I just automatically eat better and eat less.
So, that's what's going on so far. Pretty pleased with myself. I was going to post a "before" photo, but forgot to have one taken. Maybe tomorrow.
But before I get into that, I've had a couple good days. Yesterday I weighed myself, though our digital scale is acting up so I'm not entirely sure it's accurate. I also took measurements ... yikes. Talk about the cold, hard truth (or soft, squishy truth, which would be more accurate here). Not sharing these figures. Maybe when I get to my goal, but for now - eek. I just can't share. Too embarrassing.
Let's see ... ate rather well; not a lot of flour, and sugar? Let me think ... no, not a lot of sugar now that I think of it. Last night as I was working, I got a craving as I do most every night. I usually crave a bowl of cereal, but last night, it was for one of the Drumsticks we have in the freezer (the ice cream kind, not the from-a-chicken kind. Anyone who knows me knows that I would NEVER eat a chicken drumstick). But I ignored the craving and kept right on working. Would have been too hard to eat an ice cream cone while typing anyway.
This morning, I felt a pull for a Burger King croissanwich, but again, drove right on by. I hadn't given myself time to eat breakfast, but luckily my boss made some mini zucchini muffins and brought them in, so I held myself over with one of those. Yes, one. Amazing, no? She had also made a Chex-like mix that was super yummy. I had some at about noon to hold myself over until lunch at 1.
Then, tonight, we had spaghetti, and I had a small serving. But then, I was pulled in by the dang garlic toast. Within minutes after I ate it, I was so bloated and felt sickish. I'm not sure if it's the mold allergy or what, but I felt pretty bad.
The good news is that I was sitting on the couch feeling bloated and awful, and decided to work out. So, I did a 35-minute step aerobic tape - I know, can I BE any more 90s? But I love doing step aerobics, and I've gotten into pretty great shape doing it in the past. I also did some weights, mostly arms, for about 15 minutes.
No snacks tonight. That's two nights in a row with no snacking, which is really good for me.
I came across an interesting article today as well. Actually, it was just the intro to the article, but it caught my attention:
************
Tweak Your Lifestyle - by Jessican Girdwain, Health magazine
It's a familiar story: you pledge to honor a daily elliptical routine and count every last calorie. But soon, you're eating cupcakes at the office and grabbing happy hour mojitos, thinking, Oops, diet over.
There is a better way: Swap the all-or-nothing approach for one or two healthy switch-ups in your daily routine. "Doing this can lead to more weight loss than you ever imagined," says Marissa Lippert, RD, author of The Cheater's Diet. [Side note: Love that book title. I'm so going to check that out.]
****************
The article went on to share these small tips that women who had lost quite a bit of weight did, like never skipping breakfast or listening to super fun music while working out, and the point was that they just did these minor changes, not some whole big lifestyle overhaul.
Which is what I do all the time. Only, I won't just stop at restricting my diet and vowing to work out every day. I'll tack on "I'll floss my teeth twice a day." "I'll get up 20 minutes early to have my quiet time every morning." "I'll have a spotless house by the end of the day every day." and so on. So many changes all at once, pretty much guaranteeing that I'll fail.
It's these small, mindful steps that can really make a difference, which is what I'm counting on. And for me, working out is SO key. When I'm working out on a regular basis, I just automatically eat better and eat less.
So, that's what's going on so far. Pretty pleased with myself. I was going to post a "before" photo, but forgot to have one taken. Maybe tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)