Friday night, the kids wanted me to watch some TV with them, so we popped up some popcorn and settled in to watch ... I can't remember what we watched. It was probably something on Nick. Or Disney Channel.
As I was popping the corn (we do it on the stove, with oil and kernels), I noticed a bag of crunchy Cheetos on top of the fridge. And being the world's best rationalizer, I said, "I can have a few. I've lost inches." I poured some in a bowl, got the kids' popcorn and settled in to watch goofy kid shows.
About halfway through my Cheetos, I looked at the bowl and thought, "These really aren't very good."
This is what I do. Every time I lose weight, I rationalize that I can eat whatever and how much I want because I'm finally thin, but that obviously doesn't work, which is why I'm the consummate yo-yo dieter.
Yesterday (Saturday), I woke up and one of my first thoughts was, "I should get up and workout." Part of me groaned inwardly, but another part of me knew that once the thought was in my head, I would be totally disappointed in myself if I laid in bed and did nothing. So, I got up, put on my shorts and T-shirt, grabbed my socks and sneakers, and headed downstairs.
I got in another step aerobic workout, and another arm workout, plus ab crunches. Felt good. I didn't feel hungry all morning, so I didn't eat breakfast. I cooled down, showered and got ready to get groceries.
Two hours later, my daughter and I were back from the grocery store and my son helped us put groceries away. I made my kiddos a quick lunch and we went back out to do some last-minute back-to-school shopping.
Another two hours later, we were back home, and I realized that not only had I not eaten all day (oh wait, I did munch on about four slices of a very tasty Gala apple that I had cut up for the kids' lunch), but I also was not hungry.
I made yummy French dips for dinner along with a bowl of sliced strawberries and bananas, and some baby carrots; I also threw some frozen french fries in the oven for a side. I sat down to my sandwich, on a toasted hoagie roll with provolone cheese and au jus for dipping - SO GOOD! - and realized I was actually a bit apprehensive about eating. Here I hadn't eaten anything but a few slices of apple, and I was nervous about eating my dinner. Great, I thought, I'm starting to go in the other direction! I wasn't ignoring hunger pains, however; I really never felt hungry all day. I think it's my anxiety med.
I enjoyed the sandwich and ate a small serving of fruit, but here's the great part: I ate ONE FRENCH FRY. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE french fries. But last night, I passed and didn't miss them at all.
This morning I woke up fairly early, and not wanting to start going in the other direction by not eating anything all day again, I decided I would just eat a little bit at each meal. I made pancakes for breakfast along with some oven cooked bacon - yummy! I had one pancake, no butter, a little syrup, and one slice of bacon. Still no coffee, and I've never been much of a juice fan, so just water to drink. I was satisfied. I did a short workout late in the morning.
In the afternoon, I ate a small lunch, then I made my own version of fatoush salad for dinner:
I marinated some boneless, skinless chicken breast in oil, lemon juice, garlic and onion powders, dried basil and oregano, and kosher salt and pepper for about an hour. I browned one side in oil in a hot pan for about five minutes, then finished them in the oven.
I had toasted some flat bread in the oven so it was nice and crispy. Then I tossed lettuce, diced tomatoes, diced cucumbers and broken pieces of the toasty flat bread in a large bowl. I whisked together olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, garlic, cilantro and parsley and pour it over the salad and tossed it.
I lightly oiled the rest of the flat bread and warmed it in the oven and made some honey butter for it. I also had some store-bought hummus.
When it was time to eat, I tossed the salad again, plated it and topped it with feta cheese, the sliced lemony chicken and some extra toasted flat bread for crunchiness. I usually like mine with black olives as well, but I forgot them tonight.
This is such a yummy salad. My kids eat the ingredients separately, but they enjoy it, even the feta cheese. The bread that gets tossed in the salad really picks up the lemon flavor, so when you bite into it, you get this yummy burst of sour lemon, then with the salty feta ... so good.
Anyway, I enjoyed my salad - oh, and we had some fresh grapes on the table that were perfectly sweet and delicious. It was a good meal.
And then ...
Do you KNOW what I'm going to say?
The bread.
Every. Time.
I tried a piece of the flat bread with some of the honey butter and was HOOKED. Instead of just one tiny piece, like I planned, I ate an entire round of it. The flat bread I used was a bit larger than, say, your standard pita bread.
I felt bummed.
And the scary thing is, the demented, rationalizing part of me said, "Well, you blew it now. You might as well blow it all the way."
Grrr.
So, the cravings kicked in. I did entertain the thoughts for awhile, then poured myself a caffeine-free diet Pepsi to take the edge off. And I've been fine.
I was really surprised at how uneasy I felt about eating on Saturday, when I hadn't had hardly anything all day. Then, it was so easy to over-indulge when I tried to just eat "normally." Finding the balance has been harder than I thought, but it's still early in this, and I'm proud of the working out I've done. It was amazing how different I felt about myself, though.
Yesterday, when I barely ate a thing and had gotten in a good workout, I felt strong and stood tall and felt great.
Today, when I ate rather normally and worked out for only about 20 minutes, I felt jiggly and bloated.
<sigh> So much to overcome. One day at a time.
