Overcoming battles ... most of the time

I've had an interesting few days. Let's see ...

1) One evening, I had my usual cereal craving after the kids went to bed. It was gnawing and gnawing at me, driving me nuts. Lately, my "thing" is all about small, significant steps, and what I can do to make each snack or meal just a little bit better for me. So, I think, "Okay, how about if I just eat half a bowl? I'll conquer the craving, but not do as much damage."

So, I get my half a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch, which I can't eat in the morning because most flake cereals have malt in them, which puts me to sleep (plus, now that I've see the sugar content of RBC, I will be forgoing it from how on due to the reflux.). I pour half a bowl, pour the milk and eat.

And can I tell you that I was satisfied? That giving in a little bit did the trick and I was completely free from any craving for the rest of the night?

No, I can't tell you that. Because I wasn't. And it didn't. And I had the other half about 60 seconds after finishing the first half.

2) I had a TOTAL binge-like craving last night. Huge carb craving.

I realized that the cats were out of food and wouldn't have any for the morning, so I made a run to the store at around 10 p.m.

I get the cat food, then I think, "Little Debbies" in that zoned-out Homer Simpson-like way. I decide I'm going to give in to this craving, skinny jeans be damned - I need sugar and fat! So, I casually wander over to the Little Debbies shelf, and just as I'm beginning to look, a woman comes around the corner, all trim and athletic, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and I keep on walking, like "No, I'm not a fat woman who was just drooling over the variety of treats on this shelf."

I wander aimlessly in the produce section, like I'm really looking for something, and figure she's probably cleared out, and head back to Little Debbie land.

Nope, she's still hanging around. So, I decide I might as well pick up a gallon of milk since we go through it so quickly. I pick up the milk and head BACK to the Little Debbies (is it Little or Li'l?) and she's standing around the corner from them! So, I give up. I'm not picking up and carrying around a box of Swiss Cake Rolls in front of this woman.

I felt good that I hadn't actually gone through with it. And the whole situation reminded me of the passages in the Bible that talk about how God never lets us be tempted beyond what we can bear, and he always provides a way out. You know what I'm thinking? That woman was my way out. She kept hanging around right in that area, even though I went back THREE TIMES. So, thank you, Lord. (Maybe she was checking them out herself.)

3) I was listening to one of my audio books today, and in it a character who had just begun writing a book states that she's discovered the one thing about writing that other people who say they want to write but never get around to doing it or who start writing and never finish don't have. I sat up straighter in the car and listened closely, given that I'm one of the latter people. And there's a dramatic pause in the CD, and the narrator says ...

"Discipline."

Oh, ugh, not THAT. Yes, I already know I lack discipline. Hence the unfinished manuscript and the smaller jeans sitting up high on a shelf in my closet. 

I've come to realize (you ever notice how much "realizing" I do on this blog?) that I have these two big desires battling it out with each other: wanting to lose weight and wanting to finish my manuscript, two things I have complete control over. I have a third big desire, which is to be a stay-at-home mom again, but that one isn't as quite in my control as I'd like. These things produce a lot of anxiety in me, a constant sense of urgency, a feeling that I just can't catch up in life. For an emotional eater, those things are HUGE (pardon the pun).

If I tend to eat because I'm not quite satisfied with how life is going at the moment, or to calm my anxiety, or to comfort myself when I feel overwhelmed ... well, that's my life right now. At any given moment, I'm feeling one of those things.

Hence my carb cravings. Carbs are calming. And giving me a big butt. Which is alarming.

I tend to have an anxiety issue anyway, and had started an Rx for it earlier in the year, but went off it, basically because I could never remember to take it (did I mention I have a problem with discipline?) and it's pretty expensive. Now, I'm thinking, if I could get a little help with this hum of anxiety I'm always living with, maybe I can get a better handle on eating, as well as on discipline in other areas. So, I started taking it today.

4) I caught a sideways view of myself in the full-length mirror in the bathroom at work and was HORRIFIED. I can't believe someone was able to put a watermelon in the back of my pants without me realizing it.

5) My co-worker popped her head into my office this morning to let me know that she had brought a cake in and it was sitting on the back table. I told her thanks, and never went back to the back table.

6) I spent about 10 minutes at work today finding exercises I could do while trapped at a desk in front of a computer and actually did some.

So, good and not so good. But I'm learning ... all the time, learning.

Not bad so far ...

When, oh WHEN am I going to learn that I can not tolerate bread!?

But before I get into that, I've had a couple good days. Yesterday I weighed myself, though our digital scale is acting up so I'm not entirely sure it's accurate. I also took measurements ... yikes. Talk about the cold, hard truth (or soft, squishy truth, which would be more accurate here). Not sharing these figures. Maybe when I get to my goal, but for now - eek. I just can't share. Too embarrassing.

Let's see ... ate rather well; not a lot of flour, and sugar? Let me think ... no, not a lot of sugar now that I think of it. Last night as I was working, I got a craving as I do most every night. I usually crave a bowl of cereal, but last night, it was for one of the Drumsticks we have in the freezer (the ice cream kind, not the from-a-chicken kind. Anyone who knows me knows that I would NEVER eat a chicken drumstick). But I ignored the craving and kept right on working. Would have been too hard to eat an ice cream cone while typing anyway.

This morning, I felt a pull for a Burger King croissanwich, but again, drove right on by. I hadn't given myself time to eat breakfast, but luckily my boss made some mini zucchini muffins and brought them in, so I held myself over with one of those. Yes, one. Amazing, no? She had also made a Chex-like mix that was super yummy. I had some at about noon to hold myself over until lunch at 1.

Then, tonight, we had spaghetti, and I had a small serving. But then, I was pulled in by the dang garlic toast. Within minutes after I ate it, I was so bloated and felt sickish. I'm not sure if it's the mold allergy or what, but I felt pretty bad.

The good news is that I was sitting on the couch feeling bloated and awful, and decided to work out. So, I did a 35-minute step aerobic tape - I know, can I BE any more 90s? But I love doing step aerobics, and I've gotten into pretty great shape doing it in the past. I also did some weights, mostly arms, for about 15 minutes.

No snacks tonight. That's two nights in a row with no snacking, which is really good for me.

I came across an interesting article today as well. Actually, it was just the intro to the article, but it caught my attention:

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Tweak Your Lifestyle - by Jessican Girdwain, Health magazine

It's a familiar story: you pledge to honor a daily elliptical routine and count every last calorie. But soon, you're eating cupcakes at the office and grabbing happy hour mojitos, thinking, Oops, diet over.

There is a better way: Swap the all-or-nothing approach for one or two healthy switch-ups in your daily routine. "Doing this can lead to more weight loss than you ever imagined," says Marissa Lippert, RD, author of The Cheater's Diet. [Side note: Love that book title. I'm so going to check that out.]

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The article went on to share these small tips that women who had lost quite a bit of weight did, like never skipping breakfast or listening to super fun music while working out, and the point was that they just did these minor changes, not some whole big lifestyle overhaul.

Which is what I do all the time. Only, I won't just stop at restricting my diet and vowing to work out every day. I'll tack on "I'll floss my teeth twice a day." "I'll get up 20 minutes early to have my quiet time every morning." "I'll have a spotless house by the end of the day every day." and so on. So many changes all at once, pretty much guaranteeing that I'll fail.

It's these small, mindful steps that can really make a difference, which is what I'm counting on. And for me, working out is SO key. When I'm working out on a regular basis, I just automatically eat better and eat less.

So, that's what's going on so far. Pretty pleased with myself. I was going to post a "before" photo, but forgot to have one taken. Maybe tomorrow.

Ready to try again?

I was at a birthday party for my beautiful niece and nephew this past weekend, and I overheard one of my sisters mention an upcoming wedding (our cousin's) and how she'd like to be able to wear a nice dress, etc. Of course, I locked on to that ... another challenge, another deadline, another goal.

Ever optimistic, we diet-obsessed are. Right away, my mind was a blur with diet plans and weighing in and those skinny jeans I mention all the time.

A couple years ago, those jeans fit very comfortably on me. They are size 16 Misses (NOT Women's), in the modern style of being a little low on the hips. I had gotten to the point where I was having not one bit of trouble pulling them on, buttoning and zipping them. It was a nice feeling. During this same time period, my size 16 work slacks were getting a bit loose.

I know to a lot of people, size 16 sounds so big, but I'm 5'11". On me, a 16 looks decent. I'm currently a soft and squishy size 18. I'm carrying most of my weight in my butt and thighs, though my tummy is involved this time around as well.

I would LOVE to be back in those 16s. It felt good to not be so self-conscious. I knew I could pull out those jeans and whatever shirt I wanted and I'd look fine. I felt normal.

I came across this site My Body Gallery where you can plug in your height, weight, size and body shape, and it will show you (if they are available) photos of women with your same criteria. The idea is to see "real" women, not Photoshopped models and celebrities. I was pleasantly surprised by what I saw.

There's always this ridiculous part of me that would love to be that size 8 I was back in my anorexic days. But when I saw this size with my height on the site, I cringed. And while I did admire the size 12s, I was perfectly satisfied with the 16s. When I met my husband, let's see, it's been 17 years ago now, I was a size 14, the smallest I've been since high school. I worked out quite a bit back then - lots of step aerobics. So, okay, yes, being a 14 would rock, but the 16 would be fine. And more importantly, it is so totally doable and reachable.

(am I making up words in my zeal?)

That's only one size. For a November wedding.

Okay, my brain just reminded me that I had this same goal - to be in those size 16 jeans - by June of this year. Didn't do it. Not even close. What makes me think I'll do it this time, with even less time than I had before?

Not sure. But I've been gearing up for something. I have a couple different workouts that I've either saved from different sites or that I've torn out of magazines. I've been studying some of the lower-carb eating plans. I've been doing all this "compiling" and getting ready but I haven't put a start date on anything. Fear of failure? Possibly. But I'll definitely fail if I never start.

Still kicking around the idea of using this blog for accountability. Because I love blogging, and I know it's not something I want to give up. The idea of being SO public is overwhelming. But less people would probably notice here than they would on my SparkPeople or My Fat Secret accounts. And on this blog, the rules are all mine - how much or how often I share.  But what if my two or three followers couldn't care less about what I eat or how much I exercise? But what if they did?

Not sure why all the hesitation ... particularly for something I really, really want. (Ew. Now I'm channeling the Spice Girls.)

All right. Enough is enough. It starts tomorrow. I do best eating low carb, particulary since sugary, floury food items either put me to sleep (food allergy - mold) or cause acid reflux. I need to get my body moving - walking, step aerobics, weights.

Size 16. Here I come. Zigazig ha.

The "friend" part of "frenemy"

I got to thinking the other day that by stating that food is my frenemy, I acknowledge that, at times, food is my "friend." I'm not always battling with food. I enjoy food. I love reading about it, I love perusing cookbooks, I like cooking and love baking, I LOVE going through the kitchen section of just about any store (Meijer and Target being particular faves).

One of my longest-standing dreams, besides publishing a book, is to have a big luscious kitchen someday. I've always had small galley kitchens; I want lots of space - lots of counter space and tons of cupboards and drawers, and a pantry, and an island with a sink in it, and one of those racks where you can lay your dishes vertically like books on a shelf, and a few of the cupboards should have glass doors so you can see the gorgeous plates and glassware that I'm sure to own when I have this dream kitchen, and a double oven (the oven in the wall like my Gram B's house had would be awesome!), and a large stove top where half of it is a grill, and a beautiful tile backsplash, and shelves to display my cookbooks  ... <catching breath>.

I really haven't given this much thought.

That being said, I think I'd like to start including posts that are simply about food - not necessarily my problems with it, my battle with the scale, my skinny jeans pushed to the top shelf of my closet, and on and on.

As I mentioned the other day, at the suggestion of my gorgeous friend, Steph E, I had searched out some blogs with similar topics as mine, and found quite a few I enjoyed reading. Because this particular topic involves "food" I also found some AWESOME blogs about cooking and recipes and what not. Have you seen these blogs? They are amazing, with photos of ingredients set out cutely before cooking commences, then step-by-step photos of the item being prepared, then drool-inducing shots of spectactular-looking food.

I have bookmarked some of those blogs: Brown Eyed Baker, Smitten Kitchen ... I'll link more when I find them. I dare you to visit one and not be pulled into the writing, the photography and the great food.

As I perused, I didn't comment or otherwise involve myself much in the food blogs because, well, food bloggers just seem so cool, so out of my league. And what am I gonna say? "I binged out after making your recipe for homemade cream-filled long johns! Thanks for sharing!"

The point is, food doesn't have to be something I'm always fighting with. After all, I didn't call this blog Food as Enemy. It's about finding balance.

Reading about people who "get it"

My super awesome BFF gave me some advice when I first started blogging and said if I wanted followers, I need to visit and become active on other similar blogs. I searched out other blogs about overcoming compulsive eating and really enjoyed them ... unfortunately, some of the ones I was most interested in were no longer active, which was a bummer, and I realized I never saved the others I wanted to follow to my favorites, so now I need to re-search for them, and I just haven't taken time.

Overall, I was super impressed with how open some of these women were, using their blogs as a place to not only write about their weight loss journey, but also providing facts about pounds and inches and sizes and meals ... even going so far as posting photos of the scale readout as they stood on it! Wow, there's honesty and accountability if I've ever seen it.

I had never thought about using this blog for accountability. I don't even have my photo on  it. I've dabbled on SparkPeople and My Fat Secret, but I haven't really been very consistent. I get worn out by all the entering of food and constant updating ... but I've also read that people who are diligent about tracking what, how much and why they eat are the most successful at losing weight. What it boils down to for me is, I simply don't want to be held accountable. It's the same old song and dance: I want the prize without doing the work.

I read an interesting account of dieting in a book recently. It's from a character named Allie in Beth Harbison's book "Hope in a Jar." This is from my scrawled notes and it's not necessarily a direct quotation from the book:

"Allie rejected the notion that everyone who overeats does it due to some deep, psychological trauma. But at the same time, she wonders why it is so hard for her to whip up some willpower and lose the weight. For her, that seems to be the big question ...

... and she realizes that she has trouble sticking to a diet simply because she resents the fact that she has to.

So, she's put on a few pounds. Why does she now have to work extra hard and give up the undeniable pleasure of food just to lose them?

The answer ... is that she just does. She just has to. Life isn't always fair, and this is a good example of that.

In the past, she had the feeling that it was out of her control. But now she knows she can make the right changes. Just by taking one sensible step after another in the right direction. That is all. It's plodding and slow at times - but it's the approach she is going to have to take."

I love this. Because it's me. I do resent it. And it wears on me after awhile, the constant thinking about food and what I'm going to eat or what I'm going to avoid eating and facing my dismal self-control almost on a daily basis - it's annoying and frustrating. I think that's why, sometimes, I'll think, "I just need to accept that this is how I am and be fine with being overweight and quit thinking about it anymore." Which, of course, I never can do because I see the potential in me and I feel within me the overwhelming desire to be thin. Yes, yes, I know, I'm supposed to say, "the overwhelming desire to be healthy." Yes, I do want to be healthy, but when I'm strategizing yet again, it's appearance I'm thinking about most.

I also love the simplistic answer the character comes up with: Why do I have to do it? Because I just do. So quit talking about it to death and just do it already.

But the biggest key for me in this passage is when Allie realizes that she has the power to make the right choices, and it's a long, slow process of "one sensible step after another in the right direction." I think what trips me up and sabotages me ALL THE TIME is that I want it now. Two weeks from now, I want to be in my skinny jeans and be toned and fabulous. Well, of course, it doesn't work like that.

If I determine to take one sensible step at a time, and if I stop putting the rush on myself, it shouldn't be wearing and frustrating; the process should be positive since it's bringing me closer to my goal. The reason it gets frustrating is because, if you'll pardon the pun, I want to have my cake and eat it, too. I mean, can I be any more juvenile?

Me: I want to lose weight.
Motherly voice: Well, then, you need to eat less, exercise and make more healthful choices.
Me (whining): But I don't want to do that.
Motherly voice: Then you won't lose weight.
Me (whining): But I want to.
Motherly voice: Then eat fewer carbs and move around more.
Me: But I love carbs.
Motherly voice: Then you won't lose weight.
Me: But I want to.
Motherly voice: I need a tequila shot. 

So, in the end, this blog does hold me somewhat accountable because seeing my thought patterns in black and white is quite eye-opening.

Here's to, starting tomorrow (because it's 1:10 a.m. right now), taking one sensible step after another.

Want true love? Have kids.

In fairness to my whipper-snappers, I thought I'd better post some of the wonderful things they do and say after yesterday's post. I certainly don't want to give the impression that my kids are little bundles of meanness and rudeness, because they are not at all.

My son:

I'm not sure what we were talking about one day, but I remember making a comment that everyone isn't cute all the time. My son responded with, "You are." Aww. I said, "Have you ever seen me in the morning?" I have naturally curly hair, and since I shower at night and, therefore, go to bed with damp hair, I do a wonderful impression of Medusa in the mornings.

He said, "Yeah. You're still cute."

(Then my daughter reminded me that when someone compliments you, you don't point out how they are wrong, you just say "thank you.")

My daughter:

On one of the rare days that I actually get to be home during the week, I was getting ready to take my daughter to school. I put the aforementioned morning Medusa hair into a ponytail, put contacts in, but no make up, and headed out the door.

As we drove, I glanced at myself in the rearview mirror and commented that I hoped I wouldn't see anyone I knew since I wasn't looking all that great. She said, "You look like yourself." I was thinking that myself could use a bit of eyeliner and mascara, and she said, "You should never feel bad about looking like yourself."

My son:

Sometimes he'll just walk up to me, give me a big hug and say in the sweetest, most contented voice, "Mommy."

My daughter:

One of my favorite things is when I'm chatting with my daughter and saying goofy stuff, and she laughs and says with true emotion: "I love you, Mom."

Actually, I love when I make my kids laugh. I have a pretty silly nature, which at the ages of 9 and 7 they usually think is funny, though I have a feeling at 16 and 14 they'll be over it. Since they've inherited from me a boisterous (read: loud) laugh, it's very satisfying being the one who tickles their funny bones.

My son:

Just now, as I was walking over to our PC, I said to him, as he's playing his 560,586th game of Lego Star Wars, "You are so cute." And gave me the cutest smile and said, "You are the mommy I love most in the world."

My daughter:

At the end of the last school year, she told me that she and her two best friends decided that out of all three of their moms, I was the best one. Aww.

My son:

One time at dinner, which he was enjoying very much, he told me that if I had been on Chopped (on the Food Network), I would have won the $10,000 prize.

I'm so blessed, and believe me, I never take that for granted.

Ego too big? Have kids.

Here are just a few of the ego-plummeting comments I've heard within the last couple years:

"Smoosh, smoosh" ... said by my nine-year-old daughter as she pushed on my belly.

"What is that thing on your face?!" ... said in disgust by my daughter as she pointed to a mole on my chin.

"Ew ... what is THAT?" ... said, again in disgust, by my seven-year-old son as he noticed a skin tag I have under my arm. (When I told him he needed to go have breakfast, he informed me that he had lost his appetite.)

"Your nose is all slimy!" ... said by my daughter after she pinched my nose (I have an oily T-zone, what can I say!?)

"Your legs jiggle when you do that." ... said by my daughter as she watched me do step aerobics (and after she had just noted out loud that the people in the video were all in such good shape).

"You have a little hair poking out of your nose." ... said by my daughter as we chatted.

"Jiggle, jiggle." ... said by my daughter's friend while we were in the pool and after I lifted my arms up to put my hair in a ponytail.

Sigh.

I know they aren't being mean or trying to be hurtful - it's all observation. But someone who doesn't know me and only read the above might thing I look like some fat Halloween witch with random facial hair and protruding moles and warts ... which I don't, I promise!

I want my kids to be proud of me - of the things I do, of course, but also in how I present myself. Now, obviously, a curious nose hair isn't something I can always necessarily avoid, but I can be fit and less jiggly, be a good example of taking care of oneself and taking pride in one's appearance. I've talked about this (pride in appearance) with my daughter in regard to nail polish. It's one of my pet peeves to see chipped nail or toe polish, and I was getting on her case about needing to freshen up her toe polish since it looks so sloppy when it's all chipped up, and it's all part of taking pride in your appearance.

A lesson in practicing what I preach?

My toes are perfectly polished, thank you.

Okay, okay ... yes, pride in how I look, I know.

Of course, I can't want to lose weight and get fit for anyone other than me. But having my kids look at me and smile with pride would mean quite a lot.

It's August???

Wow … a broken laptop has really put a damper on my post writing. Hopefully I’ll have it back soon.

I’m still coffee free, though I have had some caffeine in pop. Yes, I had some pop. I actually miss that more than the coffee. What I miss about coffee is the ritual of it, holding that warm mug with both hands on cold mornings, hearing my coffee maker beep beep beep beep to let me know that coffee’s ready, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee first thing in the morning, telling my kids that I can not possibly do ANYTHING until I’ve had my first complete cup of coffee. Good times. Now, I drink water all day long. I tried it with lemon, but found that it irritated the whole stomach acid condition, so just plain ol’ ice water for me. Weird. But this is life now.

Will I ever go back to drinking coffee? I don’t know. I do enjoy the taste of it, but I’ve proven to myself that I don’t need it. Yes, we read good things about it all the time, antioxidants and other health benefits, but … I’m still in the stage where sipping coffee is associated with terrible nausea. No thanks.

I weighed myself about a week ago and my reaction was - oh crap. The numbers on the scale had been ever so slightly creeping upward. I’ve been more mindful of my food choices and have actually exercised a few times as well. When I exercise regularly, I’ve found that I automatically eat better, because why go through all that strain and sweat, and then pig out?

There have been times when I’ve decided that I enjoy food too much to try to cut back or give things up, so I’m just going to work out everyday to make up for it. Then, a few days later, I decide that I really don’t like working out so I’d better just eat less and better.

Right now, I’m in a “I like working out” mode. I just feel strong and healthy when I get a good workout in, and it’s a positive step in the right direction. I see women walking or running near my house every day and so many of them are incredibly fit, and I think, “That could be me.”

It takes work and careful thought and intentional choices to be thin and fit. Sitting around feeling envious of women who actually make smart food choices and make time to exercise does nothing to move me forward. I was telling my awesome friend Steph the other day that my mindset lately has been “More action, less talk” and not just about food, but about my life in general. Choosing to forgo french fries or dessert, and deciding to go for a walk or work out with weights gets me closer to my goals. It’s all these small decisions that add up to huge change and, hopefully, no more huge Sheri.