Wow ... a month later

Well, it's been awhile. Can't say it's been all good since I've been away.

I've been dealing with some health issues, lately ... oh, and HOW am I dealing with those health issues and the bits of anxiety that tend to pop up, not only about my health and what may be wrong, but also about the financial aspect of having tests and surgeries and what not?

I'm eating.

Yep, that good ol' reliever of all things stressful. Sweet carbs. Sigh.

It's so stupid. I'm dealing with HEALTH issues, so wouldn't it make sense to treat my body as good as I possibly can by giving it healthy foods in healthy amounts?

Yes, it would. But emotional eating works by emotion, not sense, remember?  I'm getting comfort from the feeling of fullness, by the simple carbs, by the sweet taste. It all allows me to put off thinking about anything truly scary or stressful. BUT, the catch is that eating this way also ends up causing stress because I gain weight, adding to an already overloaded system of worry. An endless loop of insanity.

I'm sure I've gained, though I haven't measured or weighed myself lately. One of the symptoms I'm dealing with is bloating, so my tummy area is bigger anyway, but I'm sure my carb feasts are adding to it.

I remember Oprah saying once a long time ago as she talked about her ongoing battle with food that, never mind wanting to impress other people or get their praise or kudos ... she just wanted to be proud of herself. That's so true. At the end of the day, literally, I want to feel proud of myself for strength and discipline and self-control. Not disappointed and sick to my stomach.

It seems like I almost have to be on my own case all day long ... but then I think, how would a kid feel if all day long, someone was on his/her case? Drained, defeated, worthless, rebellious.

Encouragement. Belief in oneself. Self-worth. Prayer. And unconditional love. Those are the ingredients for overcoming. 

I'm hooked on the latest Jane Green that I picked up from the library, called Jemima J, which is about an overeater. I've been hooked, not only by the girl's story, but also by the writing style, which is incredibly different and intriguing. A bit of a spoiler coming, though I haven't finished the book yet ... she ends up losing a ton of weight, and reading about how she can shop carefree for new clothes and the attention she gets and how she feels about herself and how she can't imagine going back to the way she was, etc., it fills with both inspiration and envy. With determination and defeat. With hope and hopelessness. There's like this little battle within me - like the devil and angel on the shoulder thing. There's this run-on sentence in my head as I think, "Oh, that would be so great, such a nice way to live, I could totally do that, I could exercise every day and diet, and that could be me, but I'll never achieve that, I can't do that, I'm a complete failure at eating right, I'll never experience living like that ..." It's weird. As I'm reading the book, I'm feeling the emotions on each end of the spectrum, and while I'm happy for Jemima, I'm also sad for myself.

And I think I'm also feeling like a failure because I haven't worked on my manuscript in months.

Finishing my manuscript and losing weight are the two huge accomplishments I've wanted to achieve for, like, forever, but I'm finding myself so overwhelmed by each of them that I'm doing neither of them.

One thing at a time.

I just need to give myself a break.